The Development of The Filipino Essay In English

June 16-22

This story originally appeared in Philippine Panorama

One of the positive developments in the aftermath of the Philippine-American War is the official adoption of English as medium of instruction in the public schools. After the hostilities, Filipino and American educators got together and agreed that a common language is essential in unifying a nation divided by a plethora of dialects. Jose P. Laurel, in his classic The Glorification Of A Common Inheritance, pointed out that although a national tongue alone does not constitute racial identity, “Unity of language is unquestionably a binding force of utmost importance.”

Salvador P. Lopez, in The Future Of Filipino Literature In English, wrote: “We shall have more contact with the rest of the world. During this period we shall negotiate for trade, for security, for a neighborly living with the rest of mankind. At the same time, we shall be expressed more fully to the currents of universal culture. And as we continue to absorb the elements of this culture, we shall be better be able to contribute to the stream.”

A New Generation

Philippine essays developed side by side with Philippine journalism. The introduction of the language ushered in a new generation of English speaking readers and thus, a growing demand for materials in that language. American publications eventually gave way to Filipino-owned magazines and newspapers.

            Campus organs served as the spring-boards for the growth of Philippine literature in English. It was instrumental as well in exposing the younger generations to the rudiments of the new lingo. Some of the noteworthy school publications were the Literary Apprentice and the College Folio of UP and the Quill and Argonaut of UST.

            After college, the works of these students graduated to the Sunday magazines of the metro dailies and other magazines. Publishers and editors saw how literary sections generate interest and consequently increase circulation.

Prominence and Professionalism

In the same way that British and American essays matured through such magazines as Spectator and the Courant, so has Philippine essay gained prominence and professionalism in several pre-War publications. Among them are Herald Midweek, Expression, Dear Devices and Philippine Magazine, an influential monthly edited by A.V.H. Hartendorp, which featured essays, fiction and poetry of the highest order.

            In 1939, the Commonwealth Literary Contests, the first state-sponsored literary award, was established.  And during the Occupation, the Japanese sponsored Review and Pillars solicited censored literary works. Some writers were forced to conform to the accepted political thought and thus, freedom of expression, which is a fundamental concept of good writing, was tortured to submission.

Mastery of the Language

It was after the Liberation when Philippine literature in English in general and Philippine essay in English in particular achieved a rennaissance, showing a mastery of the language that was uncanny. In the words of Leon Ma.Guerrero, in his essay What Are Filipino Like?: “Our adaptability, or imitativeness, like our family system, is largely self protective.”

            It was during this time when the Philippine American came out with some of the finest literary talents in the country. Another welcome development in it’s wake is the payment of the then staggering amount of one hundred pesos for each article. The incentive fueled the growth of professional writing. Unfortunately, the magazine folded up after a year.

            The year 1951 saw the birth of the Philippine Quarterly, a government sponsored publication issued by the Philippine Information Council. It was accepted without question as the best quality magazine in the country in points of writing, editing and printing. It was circulated mostly abroad. However appropriations were stopped and it ceased publication after the sixth issue.

Poignant and Timeless

The classics have an unsurpassed lyrically melodious quality, like Godofredo Rivera’s Thanks My Lord: “And so I built myself a shed of green leaves at the edge of a brook. Days I filled my little heart with joy. Nights I filled my little heart in the gossamer of peace…Each night an augury. Each day a reality. How wonderful is life.” Convict’s Twilight by Arturo B. Rotor is a tapestry of the finest silk in the hands of a master weaver: “The forest…now assumes that calm that is more breathless and awesome than silence…One must pray here, if only to relieve the terrifying solitude, to stay the gathering darkness.” Fernando Maramag paints an unforgettable ode to Fernando Ma. Guerrero: “Poet and patriot of the first order, he has touched the life of his people.” And Jose A. Lansang’s Stirrings is both poignant and timeless: “Life is a placid lake of unsounded depths in a quiet valley…A fallen leaf…creases the smooth surface…Then it reverts back to it’s clear smoothness, to mirror again the pageantry of the clouds by dawn and the glorious stars by night.”

Pioneers of the Essay

Here’s some brief sketches of some of the pioneers of the essay: Carlos P. Romulo was a journalist, diplomat, soldier and professor. He was aide-de-camp to Gen. Douglas McArthur and was with him during the Leyte Landing. His books I Saw The Fall Of The Philippines, Mother America, My Brother Americans, I Saw The Philippines Rise were all written and published in the United States during and after the war. He was the first Asian to receive the Pulitzer Prize and also the first Asian to become Secretary-General of the U.N. General Assembly. In His Ways Are Peculiar, he tries to bridge the gap between East and West: “The white man wonders at the serene and unlined faces of the Orientals. Their look is serene because inwardly, they are at peace.”

            Salvador P. Lopez’s Literature And Society was the first distinctive volume of essays by a Filipino that appeared. Before it’s publication in 1940, it won in the essay division of the Commonwealth Literary Contests. His Homecoming Thoughts is in a class of it’s own: “The sharp edges of the mind are often smoothed of intolerance and unreasonable hatred by travel…suspicion yields to understanding and even fear may submit to faith.”

            Camilo Osias was the first  Filipino superintendent of schools. He also became a senator whose eloquence was legendary. He has written The Filipino Way Of Life which was published in the U.S. and Jose Rizal And His Life And Time which was a winning entry to the Commonwealth Literary Contests biography division. In The Filipino People And The Human Family, he not only celebrates our sterling qualities as a race, but reminds us of our roles in nation building: “With the ideal of equality there should be recognition of unity in diversity rather than unity in uniformity. In a pluralized society, the right to differ in opinions, in convictions, in theories, in practice, is indispensable.”

            Pura Santillan Castrence had a column titled Woman Sense in the pre-War Manila Daily Bulletin and was the only writer to resume her column after war. Her character studies of the women in Rizal’s novels appeared in installments in Philippine Magazine in 1938. She was a university professor and division chief of the Dept. of Foreign Affairs. In Aunt Isabel, we are shown a woman “always in the background, yet always making the picture presented richer, lovelier, for her gentle presence.”

            Francisco B. Icasiano was the editor of the Manila Tribune and the creator of Mang Kiko, the nipa shack philosopher through whose eyes the world was viewed with irreverent humor and homespun wisdom. In 1941 he selected 35 essays from his column and published them, with the title Horizons From My Nipa Hut. He shares his insights on people in The World In A Train: “We claim that they are the hardest to fall in love with in the normal exercise of Christian charity. Then a little child falls from a seat…and we are, despite our pretensions, affected. Why not? If even a sleeping man who does nothing touches our life!

            Antonio Estrada’s daily column Along The Road appeared in the Philippine Herald before the war. His other essays were published in different magazines like Philippine Review and Dear Devices. His On Fairies And Fairy Tales is a flight to the sublime: “It send out beauty in every direction, bathing Necessity in it’s prismatic light, and softening the corners of Routine with it’s roseate glow.”

            Federico Mangahas had a column titled Incidentally in the Manila Tribune. After that, he edited the National Review and the Leader On Being eventually becoming the editor of Midweek Magazine. His Ashemed Of One’s Past is actually an affirmation of life: “I do not see why to be human shall not also mean to be strong, to be sensitive, to be worthy.”

            Amando Dayrit was the only columnist who appeared on the front page of a daily. His Good Morning Judge! greeted the readers of Manila Tribune everyday before the war.

The Sight of Beauty

Other pioneering giants of the essay are Vidal A. Tan (“Richer living means a life of simplicity and peace”), Vicente Hilario, Eliseo Quirino, Jose Garcia Villa (yes, the poet), Carlos Bulosan, Manuel E. Arguilla, Serafin Lanot (“All of us…have hearts that refused to be imposed upon, and cry for the sight of beauty”), Sofia Bona de Santos (If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again and all that sort of stuff”), Mariano N. Querol (“Bataan was not merely a battlefield…it was every mother’s prayer, every father’s thought”), Paz Latorena (“The quality that appeals to the human mind and enlarges it is Truth.”) Jorge Bocobo (“Unless a student develops the habit of independent and sound reasoning, his college education is a solemn sham.”), Solomon V. Arnaldo (“It is lucky for us city people that our country relatives cannot see into the subtleties of our minds.”), Lydia Arguilla (“Erasers are like people, some can’t remedy matters without messing up.”), Teodoro M. Locsin Sr.(“The true ruler, the philosopher king, must not only love wisdom, he must learn to cope with reality.”), Nick Joaquin (“The ninth chapter of the Noli must be cited as proof of Riza’ls mastery on the art of the novel.”), Alfredo Q. Gonzales (“I thought…of those who…met with well-nigh insurmountable obstacles, but, undismayed, continued their march, buried in obscurity.”), to name a few.

The First Test of Literature

            In summing up, let us borrow once more the words of Lopez: “If the first test of literature is the test of continued growth and development, then it may safely be said that no literature written in any other language can pass this test successfully as English. Filipino writers in English have exhibited an enormous capacity for rapid growth and development and have produced a body of writing that is both competent and distinguished.”

Albert Einstein: A Mind Apart

June 9-15

I wrote this story in 2005, which the UNESCO has declared as International Year of Physics

In 1931, a jovial physics teacher and his wife accepted an invitation from a movie studio in California. They were asked to sit on a Model T, which was then hoisted by invisible wires, and with the help of some young crew member, made the little car bounce as though moving down a country road. The couple was requested not to look at the big screen behind them however, and they exchanged puzzled whispers about these strange proceedings.

            Afterwards, they all trooped to the projection theater, and as Jack Warner Jr. wrote, “Suddenly, an ordinary scene became extraordinary. The white background vanished, and the Ford was flying over Niagara Falls, then swooping above Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty, diving over the boardwalk at Atlantic City and zooming low through the grand Canyon, passing through a cloud and coming high above Warner Brothers in Burbank!”

            They all turned expectantly at the professor. If the scene was extraordinary, so was he. Albert Einstein “let out a great peal of laughter.” He “waved his hands in delightful bewilderment. There was a gleam in his eyes and the bounce of sheer joy in his step…He shook his head again in wonder as we came out into the sunshine, and laughed like a happy schoolboy.”

Years Of Statelessness

 

            Albert Einstein was born on March 14, 1879 in Ulm, Würtemberg, Germany. His interest in science was first kindled in 1884, when his electrochemical engineer father gave him a compass, puzzling the 5-yearl old on what made the needle point consistently northwards. Two years later, with a religious and musically inclined mother, he began school, violin lessons, and religious instructions on Judaism simultaneously

            In 1891, he began studying Calculus, and three years later, at the age of 15, he chose to remain in Munich when his family moved to Milan. As a sign of protest against the government’s military aggression, he quit prep school and renounced his German citizenship. He failed the exams for electrical engineering at the Eidgenössische Technische Hochschule (ETH), so he enrolled at Aarau, planning it as a detour to ETH, where he eventually graduated in 1900 and started teaching mathematics and physics at the Technical Highschool in WinterHur.

It was in 1901 when he ended his years of statelessness and was granted Swiss citizenship, at the same time avoiding being drafted for military service He held a temporary job teaching in Schaffhausen but he was beginning to despair of his repeated failures of securing an academic post. Fortunately, the father of one of his friends at ETH, Marcel Grossman, recommended him to the patent office in Berlin, and Einstein was hired as a Technical Expert 3^rd Class in 1902, and in 1906, was promoted to Technical Expert 2^nd Class.

Milestones In History

 

            It was 1905, however, that proved to be his most auspicious year. His thesis, On A New Determination Of Molecular Dimensions, earned him a doctorate from the University of Zurich, and which he dedicated to Grossman. It was also during this time that he wrote three papers which would later galvanize the entire world and become milestones in history. The first was an examination of Max Planck’s theories on radiation from electromagnetic energy being directly proportional to the frequency of radiation – and their contradictions on Maxwell’s equations and the laws of thermodynamics. This eventually became the basis for the Photo-Electric Effect Theory

            The second paper was essentially the fundamentals of his special Theory of Relativity, and the third was on Statistical Mechanics, also citing the extensive studies of Ludwig Boltzman and Josiah Gibbs.

Research On Gravitation

 

            In 1908, after submission of his thesis Consequences For The Constitution Of Radiation Following From The Energy Distribution Law Of Black Bodies, he became a lecturer at the University of Bern. In 1909, he became professor of physics at the University of Zurich, and in 1911, was appointed full professor at Karl Ferdinand University in Prague.

            In 1912, he returned to Zurich and finally achieved his dream: a chair at the ETH. He also started to refine his research on gravitation with help from the mathematician Grossman, expressing them in terms of Civita and Curbastro’s work on Tensor Calculus. In 1914, he accepted a research position and a chair in the Prussian Academy of Sciences at the University of Berlin, and in late 1915, published the definitive version of his famous theory.

Theory of Relativity

 

            Einstein’s Theory Of Relativity was based on his reinterpretation of the accepted principle of relativity, where the laws of physics have the same form in any given frame of reference. His theory contended that the speed of light remained constant, as reflected in Maxwell’s principle, but that there was no such thing as ‘empty space’ in the sense that physical objects are extended and connected spatially. According to meta-physicist Geoff Haselhurst, Ph.D., “The physical reality of space is represented by a field whose components are continuous functions of four independent variables – the (4) coordinates of space and time.” The idea that physical reality was indistinguishable from a continuous field raised questions on the fundamental concepts of motion and particles. Therefore, a particle, in Einstein’s theory, can only exist as a limited area in space where the density of energy, or field strength, is highest.

            Einstein himself summarized his theory in one sentence, “Time and Space and Gravitation have no separate existence from Matter.” Hence, the equation E = mc² (Energy is equal to Mass multiplied by the Speed of Light squared).

            His theory made significant contributions to the field of Quantum Mechanics, and also extended to the acceleration phenomenon. Also known as the Principle of Equivalence, it held that gravitational acceleration was indistinguishable from acceleration though mechanistic factors. In other words, inertial mass was identical to gravitational mass.

            To prove his equation, he had hypothesized in 1911 that a ray of light from a distant star would appear to be slightly bent towards the sun as it passed it’s gravitational field. British eclipse expeditions in 1919 confirmed this, and Einstein was suddenly catapulted into the spotlight of international superstardom. On November 7 1919, the London Times bannered, “REVOLUTION IN SCIENCE – NEW THEORY OF THE UNIVERSE – NEWTONIAN IDEAS OVERTHROWN.”

A Deep Moral Sense

 

            In 1920, Einstein’s lectures were repeatedly disrupted by demonstrations brought about by the insidious rise of the anti-Semitic madness in Germany. According to the Man of the Century feature of Time, “He had a deep moral sense. At the height of World War 1, he risked the Kaiser’s wrath by signing an anti-War petition, one of only four scientists in Germany to do so.”

            Undaunted, he defiantly went to the United States for the first time the following year to help raise funds for the construction of the Hebrew University in Jerusalem, and was surprised when he was awarded the Barnard Medal.

The Photo-Electric Effect

 

            In 1921, he was awarded the Nobel Prize for his 1905 paper on the Photo-Electric Effect. Simply stated, a newly polished, negatively charged material with a short wavelength loses it’s charge upon exposure to ultraviolet light. This has baffled the scientific community: the photo- electric phenomenon only appeared under a certain level of wavelength specific to the given material – though not in pronounced wavelengths despite intensive exposure.

            It was Einstein who solved the puzzle. “Light is made up of photons, the energy of which is proportional to the frequency of the light. Depending on the material, a specific energy is required to remove an electron from the surface of the solid body, or work function. If the photon’s energy level is higher, the electron will be emitted. This was illustrated by his equation E _kin = hf – W, where is E_kin is the maximum kinetic energy of an emitted electron, h is the Planck constant (6.626 x 10 ^–34 Js), f is the frequency, and W is the work function.

True Intellectual Superiority

 

            Proving his self-description as a  “Jew with liberal international convictions,” he made numerous lectures in various parts of the world, including Paris in 1922 and Palestine in 1923. It was in 1924 when he published his last major scientific dissertation on the association of waves with matter. In 1925, he went to South America, later receiving the Copley Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society, and in 1926, the Gold Medal of the Royal Astronomical Society.

            In the Solvay Conference of 1927, he showed true intellectual superiority in a debate with a panel comprised by Bohr, Planck, de Broglie, Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Dirac. Einstein never forwarded a paper and “said hardly anything beyond presenting a very simple objection to the probability interpretation…Then he fell back into silence.”

            In 1928, Einstein suffered physical collapse due to over-exhaustion, but quickly recovered so that by 1930, he was back in the U.S. again. His third visit in 1932 came with an offer from Princeton University. He took it and never returned to Germany, for, barely a few weeks after, Adolf Hitler had risen to power.

            It was not without irony that he mused on his hardships of 1901 of obtaining a university position, with offers in 1933 from Oxford, Glasgow, Brussels, Jerusalem, Leiden, Madrid, Paris and Zurich. In 1940, he became an American citizen, and in 1944, as a testament to his kinship with humanity, he had handwritten his 1905 paper on special relativity and put it up for auction as his contribution to the war effort. Originally sold for $6M, today the manuscript is in the Library of Congress.

            In 1949, he became seriously ill, and shortly after, drew up his will, with his scientific papers to be bequeathed to the Hebrew University. Another significant event was about to take place. In 1952, after the death of President David Ben-Gurion, the government of Israel extended to him an unprecedented offer: the position of second president. He declined however, and a week before his death, signed his last letter. It was to Bertrand Russell, where he expressed his desire to have his name on a manifesto addressed to all nations to destroy all their nuclear weapons.

            In another letter he had written, “How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us here for a brief sojourn…But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that exists for other people.” Einstein death came on April 18 1855 at Princeton New Jersey. That same day, after the pathologist stole his brain, his remains were cremated at Trenton at 4PM, and his ashes was scattered at a secret location.

A Sense Of Distance

 

            Albert Einstein’s rightful place in history is deeply imbedded like the Rock of Gibraltar. In our collective human pilgrimage for knowledge, he has become a beacon lighting our quest. But who was the real Albert Einstein? How does one approximate the personhood of such a beautiful mind? In his own words, “My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a ‘lone traveler’ and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart. In the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude.” The most decent way to celebrate the life of one who had shifted our perspective of the universe is to apply to our own lives the insights gleaned from his enigmatic brilliance.

            His political ideal was democracy. He wrote, “An autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates. Force attracts men of low morality. In broader sense, “The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality. It alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.”

            A champion of intellectual liberty, his life was marked by his struggles against convention and his intense animosity towards the “worst outcrop of herd life: the military system.” World peace and harmony can never exist side by side with “heroism on command, senseless violence and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by name of patriotism – how passionately I hate them!”

Cradle of True Art

 

His search for the hidden meanings of the universe had taken him to a higher level. “I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves…The ideals that have lighted my way…have been Kindness, Beauty and Truth.” Distaste for trivialities led him to declare, “The trite objects of human efforts – possessions, outward success, luxury – have always seemed to me contemptible.”

Probably the most unforgettable legacy of Einstein is the injunction to never lose that sense of wonder in our lives. “The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. The experience of mystery is the wellspring of religion, the “knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate…It is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity.”

But ultimately, the quality that made Albert Einstein stood out above the crowd, the most incontestable testament to his genius, was his profound sense of humility: “A hundred times everyday I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received.”

 

31 Filipinos, 31 Miracles

June 2-8

I wrote this story in 2005. This is the first publication 

Assuming responsibility for your actions is the ultimate test of character. It’s one thing to admit a mistake – and it’s another to reveal to the entire world your innermost failings and weaknesses, warts and all so to speak, in order to testify about the infinite mercy, goodness and love of God. And that is probably the most undisputable proof that the transformation was genuine – that Jesus Christ had truly come to your life – when you cease to care about the world’s opinion as long as you remain in His Everlasting Light. After all, if God is with us, who can be against us? 

            This Is My Story chronicles the lives of 31 people as they journey from passion to compassion, frustration to forgiveness, murder to mercy, sin to salvation. And all the more miraculous because almost all of them have fallen into the abyss – killers, swindlers, drug pushers, drug users, pimps, hardened criminals. But look at them now! And it’s all because they have called on Jesus to take charge! Now they’re fired with a sense of purpose and hope and peace, blessing joyfully and confidently each day that comes in their meaningful and fulfilling lives.

            And when you really think about it, it’s because of people like these that this world becomes a better place for all of us, and for all those still to come.

            Steve was the ultimate hippie. “I went into drugs, starting with marijuana before LSD, and barbiturates and amphetamines…I totally dug the culture. I began to grow long hair” After college, the funkiest line in literature flashed in his mind: “I’m into drugs, so I should be working on a drug firm!” He did, and he was in heaven – of a different sort. He left before he was fired, and soon after, found himself in the slums. “By 10 AM everyday, I was already drunk with local gin, walking around half naked…I would bang my head against the wall and cry out loud, ‘What is happening? I’m a well-educated person but this is out of control!’ I cursed God. I blamed my parents for the senseless life I was living. I blamed the educational system, the government – everybody but me.”

            Jess’ M.O. goes like this: after gaining a businessman’s trust, he would issue him a bogus check, then zoom! But he’s not just third-rate con artist. In 1975, “I started by signing a check for P50,000 and surprisingly, it was cashed! Our operations grew and even extended to the Visayas and Mindanao. We also had government authorities in our payroll…We had operatives in the Post Office…I had a personal adviser from the Supreme Court… We also dipped our hands into the pensions of teachers including the back-pay of dead teachers.”

Jose was 8 years old when he sneaked aboard a Manila-bound ship. At 9, he was taken to Juvenile Prison for theft. “I moved on to more serious forms of stealing such as snatching, hold-up and robbery when I was 14. The years 1356 to 1958 saw me going in and out of jail for the same offenses…At 16, I was a convict. Charges of robbery, 34 counts of frustrated homicide and homicide were lodged against me after my arrest in 1960.” At Bilibid Prison, “I killed an inmate and had another one killed by my jailmate. On another occasion, I masterminded the murder of a warden.”

            Michael was a RAM soldier who was part of the 1989 coup attempt.  While in detention, “I seethed with anger, hatred and bitterness.” His daughter also suffered and his wife’s epileptic attacks aggravated. “There was even a time when she had seizures while visiting me. Never had I felt so helpless in my entire life at the moment. I desperately wanted to put a spoon in her mouth to protect her tongue. Yet all I could do was scream for help as I watched her twist and convulse in agony,”

Eddie had always been an activist fighting for social justice. Then a time came when he had to fight for his own. “Our ancestral land was illegally foreclosed…Vicious men forced my parents to sign documents…We filed charges at the courts…our papers always disappeared, with the help of the influence of the syndicate’s many powerful backers…If justice proved elusive, I vowed to seek revenge…by killing our oppressors one by one.”

Noel was 7 when he and his father and his four brothers started to live in the streets. “At night…we slept inside a jeepney that was parked along Avenida…By day, we begged and ate leftover food from the restaurants…I became a thief and sold my body to homosexuals.” In high school he became coordinator to a Marian organization but he still “continued to steal even after being caught several times.” Then, on Nov. 1979, trying to impress a girlfriend, “I, together with two other men, robbed and killed my sister-in-law’s grandmother.”

Susan was the single mother to four. “My kids were all boys, with three different father.” In 1985, she went to Japan and there “experimented using all sorts of drugs. I started with cough syrup. Then I tried uppers, downers and …shabu. In 1988 I met another man…Each time I got pregnant, I would get rid of the baby,” The final straw came in 2001. “I checked out of the hospital carrying with me a small box with my dead baby in it.”

Renato was a communist – a “full-time cadre of the National United Front Commission.” After a decade of rising in the CPP-NPA hierarchy, “I became discontented and disillusioned. Inwardly I questioned our right to determine the fate of others when we ourselves were not beyond reproach…my comrades and trusted friends were one by one subjected to harsh punishment…I had played a role in causing their misery.” He was the father whose young son cried out, “Hindi na ako dedede para hindi ka na palaging aalis (I won’t drink milk anymore so you won’t always have to go away).”

Cesar had everything – then lost everything. “In 1958 I entered prison…I was very angry with God. I was angry because I was punished for a crime I did not commit.” Inside, his health deteriorated. “I got cirrhosis of the liver…I had also diabetes and there were already holes in my lungs. My bitterness was also eating me up. From 178 lbs., I dropped to 118 lbs. I was practically skin and bones.”

Toni was “the product of a marriage that lasted all of five days”. She spent her life trying to fill this void. Her early marriage promptly fell apart. “I turned to drugs when a person I thought I could trust introduced me to it.” When she separated from her husband, she again “turned to drugs for security – only this time I went for the heavier stuff…It got so bad that my mother gave up on me.” It was then her husband took their children away from her. “My whole life flashed before my eyes. The pain was so intense, even drugs could not numb it. Everything and everyone I had were slipping away from me. My so-called friends had given up on me…Drugs had completely taken over my life.” In 1985, in a rare moment of sobriety, she was able to join her children in a New Year party. Her 2-year old son James “put his little arms around me and hugged me tightly. With tears rolling down his eyes he pleaded, ‘Mommy, please don’t leave us! Please let me go home with you!’ Silence fell upon the place. But because I was considered an unfit mother, my little boy was pulled away from me. He and his brother were sent crying into the car, back to their father’s house.” 

How Jesus came into their lives were not always radical – but always glorious. They have opened their hearts and received His gift: the greatest love of all. Read this book alone in your room with the doors locked – so that you won’t have to be ashamed if you find yourself crying.