The Freedom To Leave
May 17-23 Edition
March 29, 2014
These are my marathon text replies to JM, a childhood friend who popped from out of nowhere again.
I've been in Cebu for over a year. I feel like I've stayed too long. Some of the most significant aspects of my life I have kept to myself. There is so much that people here don't know about me, specially the profound changes I've been going through. It doesn't stop people from thinking they can intrude into my private life.
Nature doesn't allow a vacuum. Narrow minds who don't know the full story will fantasize their own scenarios. The less a person knows, the more he insists on imposing his ignorant and unwelcome opinion.
I was touched by his declaration of loyalty though I won't quote any of his messages. I forgot to ask how on earth he knew I'm in Cebu. I actually wrote that piece earlier this month. I still feel the same. It's one of my drafts in my phone Notes meant for a different story. I feel it becomes even more poignant because someone I really care about has done something that hurt me so much just this morning. I already have a number of reasons to leave, and now I feel I'm slowly running out of reasons to stay.
I sent JM another text this afternoon, after Eragon on cable, gym in Ayala, buying 5 pounds of whey protein powder in Lahug and watching videos of Esther Hicks channeling Abraham and Darryl Anka channeling Bashar.
The Secret Behind "The Secret"
On Lucid Dreaming
"How's life treating you bro?" I said. "More accurately, how are you now responding to the things that come your way? I now believe that our attitude holds the key to finding inner peace. It's been years since we last saw each other. Was that in Cubao or Lucban or Canlubang? Since then, my experiences here in Cebu that gave me illumination but which also destroyed my faith in humanity and almost crushed my spirit, has transformed me completely. I want to think that I've become a better man, though I'm not sure that the wounds and the scars in my soul would ever heal again." As I send it, I'm in my present but soon to be vacated lodgings near Mabolo.
"Did you try to live on your own..." goes the song on the radio. I did - all my life.
"I honestly don't know," I told JM when he asked when will I return to Manila. "I found a measure of peace here, not because of the place, but because I've created the quiet and simple life I've always yearned. But my ideal life is to have the freedom to leave anytime. I don't belong here, in the same way I don't belong anywhere, for the simple reason that I never had a home. My only family is you guys, and even though we're separated by distance, I hope that the bond of friendship we have built over the years will last a lifetime."
I'm too poofed to pop. I've gotten used to physically exhausting days after my night shift work, but I was blindsided by the unexpected emotional pain this morning. I'll drop to bed after writing this. It's now 6:32 on a Saturday evening, and it's all about telepathy and psychic dreams in my blog 2Rivers tonight. All I need to finish tomorrow are the cover letters to the editor so I can send the manuscripts for my magazine articles inspired by Herman Hesse's Siddharta and George Noory's Worker In The Light, both of which I've written in the past week that shine as testaments to my spiritual convictions.
One of my favorite original Filipino songs of all time and one that I want to sing on stage is playing on the radio. I could have written the lyrics, that's how it resonates to me, but that will be an entirely different epic saga.
"I won't take so much of your time..."
See More Songs From The Neocolours
"Maybe it's wrong to love you more each day
'cause I know it's here to stay,
but my love is strong,
I don't know if this is wrong,
but I know to whom you should belong..."
You can be alone without being lonely. Me, I'd rather be alone most of the time. I would choose solitude over social climbing any day of the year. I seem to be getting more sensitive in feeling other people's auras that I feel drained when I'm in a crowd. Some would think there's something wrong with me, and I think that crowd pleasers and social climbers should have their heads examined, as if I care about what they say. Gee, I can't even imagine myself not writing. I feel so blessed that I have a passion that serves as my compass and anchor. I'm really old school so I prefer reading something on paper than from a screen. I prefer paperbacks than eBooks though I want people to download mine, hahaha! It's okay, you don't have to reply instantly: I'm trying to compose my next articles anyway. Don't worry, I like to compose while texting because it helps me organize my thoughts.
My texts to my friends also appears on my blog as snapshots of different times in my life. Lately, I would revise them, like a Zen monk tending a bonsai, and make them part of a magazine article. I first did it in my story on Robert Kiyosaki which got published earlier this month, and the one about Siddharta which I sent earlier. One of my greatest blessings in life is that I found really good friends in Cebu even as I won't comment on the local culture. My three best friends here are JC, CB and NJ plus a lot of people I get along superbly with. I tend to use just initials on my journal to protect their identity. I respect privacy as much as creed even if I'm not religious in any conventional way.
So let me tell you what I did today. The first thing was to meditate, using a lesson I just learned yesterday from Bashar, which I'll tell you more later. Then for breakfast I had a large glass of chocolate flavored whey protein powder which I bought yesterday. I woke up around nine in the morning after sleeping for over twelve hours to make up for how my graveyard shift work has been screwing up my biological clock. Then I went to the gym. I'm doing yoga instead of calisthenics to warm up. I got my routine from the Hodge Twins and Vince Del Monte through their YouTube tutorials. I am what's apparently called an ectomorph, although I don't limit myself by other people's labels. I'm slim by nature, and I need to exert extra effort to build muscles unlike people with different body types. I don't have a personal trainer - but I got Google.
The Hodge Twins
Advice For Hardgainer Ectomorphs
Vince Del Monte
6 Weeks Effective Ectomorph Training Program
The large gym TV was showing Paranorman on StarMovies as I did my stretching exercises beginning with the Sun Salutation.
I like Norman, I really do. I was around six when I saw my first ghost, also a young girl like Aggie. I saw myself as a kid in Norman. Then I thought: was I ever than thin?
Norman's encounter with the cursed girl is like one of my soliloquy. Yeah, I've known the feeling of wanting to seek revenge on those who really hurt you. Even Norman knows what's it like.
"What good would it do?" he says. I don't remember having that kind of thinking when I was eleven.
He's right of course. But revenge can be so sweet.
The next movie was White Chicks. I was laughing so hard that my dumbells almost slipped.
"Are you wearing lipstick?" asked Gina as she found her husband Marcus hiding in a plush motel room.
"It's Kool Aid," he improvises. He can't tell her that he and his FBI partner Kevin were on an undercover mission where they are impersonating two socialites.
"Is that a bra?" said Gina, shocked, as she sees what he's wearing under the white cotton robe. She then catches Kevin - dressed like a woman. Gina walks out, leaving her two-timing bastard of a husband.
"It's not what you think!" protests Marcus. "He's a man!"
I started the day with laughter, and that's a good thing.
I like people to experience working in a call center at least once. You'll be amazed at how you'll develop your communication and multi-tasking skills. The ever-present question is not even a question. "Tell me about yourself," the interviewer would ask. This is where they will gauge your proficiency with English. You don't need to have an American accent but it should be clear to native speakers of the language. Being fluent, like speaking effortlessly, is a definite edge. The thing about grammar is that incorrect usage stands out and tend to be remembered by the interviewer. The purpose is not limited to language alone. It's your opportunity to present yourself as an ideal candidate. Just describe your strong points and relevant experiences. Ultimately, it's how you make them perceive you. So they would ask you to tell them about yourself. The rest is up to you - and everything flows from there.
I'm a very proactive person, I said my during my interview. I take initiative and I derive great satisfaction for excellent work. I learned to be a good team player when I was in the theater, in a dance group and in playing basketball. I have an eye for details, having worked as an events organizer for rock concerts. I have long term plans for this company and I plan to apply as a supervisor as soon as I become eligible. I've been in a position of leadership as the president of the student council. I'm good in leading and motivating people because of my experience as an instructor in a language school where I have worked with people of various cultures, mostly university students from Korea and Japan. I have a black belt in taekwondo which shows my discipline, dedication and sense of responsibility.
I won't advise people to lie. I value honesty. I also value individual freedom so they can if they want to. Whatever floats their boat. I avoid lying as humanly possible. I'm not a virgin anymore. That's true.